You have NO IDEA!
Okay... so here's the OMG.
I'm in my last semester for my BS degree. I have a great GPA, but my graduating depends on my presentation for Capstone. This is a course that takes everything I've ever done at the school and ties it into on project. I had the option of Business Plan, Process Improvement Plan, International Business, or Financial Plan. it was a 16 week course, and the final product was a 50 page (or so) paper, and 20 minute presentation to illustrate what I've learned at SPC. As I mentioned earlier, I was nervous about it. I knew my project was based on a solid foundation, but it boils down to my power point and delivery of the projects in front of the committee chair-members and dean of my college. I made my power point and was freaking out because I didn't really practice. Well, all this morning, from 6 AM until 9:30 or so, I did practice and perfect my presentation.
I drove out to the school (which is far away, recall that I go to college online) with my bag o props with me. I decided to take in the little towers that Tim had been making for my boss, these guys: </a>" >, 5 of them, to be exact. I also had a power point that looped pictures of cooling towers (what my presentation focused on and what my work sells) with some kickass background music, etc. So I get there, and there's the girl that goes on before me sitting outside the room. We chatted for a few minutes, and they called her in to discuss her presentation. As soon as she was done, I went in and tried to set up my picture loop power point to play on the drop down screen while i set everything else up. I couldn't get the sound to work, and that was okay, i let the loop go and put the towers on the tables closest to my podium. My chair head, Professor D'Angelo, came in and we chatted briefly before the others arrived. Soon after, everyone was in and in their seats for me to begin. they introduced themselves, and told me that I would give my presentation, which should conclude at 11:25 if I keep to my time (which is reflected in the grade) and then they'd ask me to leave the room so that they may discuss my presentation. After that, they'd call me back in and comment on everything and let me know if I passed. Having said that, they turned it over to me. I dismissed my butterflies, and got to going. I did really good, actually. I didn't fuggidit up or nuthin! Once I was done, they each asked me a few questions, such as was I met with resistance trying to create a new process from one that did not work, were my employers supportive, what was the hardest thing about this class/presentation/paper/project? if i had to go back and change one thing about the actual process change, what would it be (scope creep, of course). Then there were some detail questions about cooling towers and water treatment. I think well under pressure, and each answer rolled off my tongue. nothing phased or hiccuped me. I left the room after being told by the public speaking professor that my presentation was fantastic, great tone, attitude, energy, and use of my body (bow-chiki-wah-wah). My chair head, D'Angelo came out to retrieve me and said "Congratulations, it's over. You passed!" I went back in and it was a whirlwind of great presentation, you really know your stuff, great even tone through out the entire thing, you can tell you like what you do, etc. They said it was one of the best that they've seen.
Then, as I was collecting my towers and other items to leave, the public speaking teacher said that her father used to do water treatment on nuclear plants. she was so excited that I brought one of the wooden towers for her, and she started crying!!!! Now mind you, these towers are for my boss, and I didn't plan on giving them away for fear that Timmy would flip (not literally, of course, he never gets mad at me), but still.....
So then Prof. D'Angelo said he was going to get his and he had to run to another appointment! I thought to myself "Timmy is NOT going to like this!"

Then I had to meet with Dr. Goyle, the dean, for an interview about my progress with SPC. It was supposed to only last a few minutes, and start at noon. He was actually a few minutes late from his lunch. We went into his office and sat down. He started off by telling me the reason for our meeting. Then he started asking me questions like where I was, where I am, and where I'm going. I told him that just before starting the school, I was a single mother of 2, working full time with no time for school. Because of SPC's award winning online program, I am now 3 degrees better, with a few certifications tossed in the mix. As to where I'm going, I told him about me going to NSU this next semester to start my Masters and will be starting my PhD in 3 semesters total. I explained that my end goal was to teach online there, at SPC. He was very impressed with the full bit I gave him (you just got the condensed version, of course). Then he asked about my current job, my previous jobs, professors I've had and how I felt about them, my opinion on the BS program and the Capstone project. There were many more questions, but like I said, I think on my feet. just over 30 minutes into it, he said that he is so impressed with me, I really seem to be able to connect the dots. Most students don't have their futures mapped out nearly half as good as I had just told him about mine, and that I'm very eloquent. There were a lot more flowery praises in there, and I didn't blush on the outside, but on the inside I sure did. He then went on to ask me if I could put him in touch with some people at work, Jay, Doug, and Marty; he would like to have them on the Board of Advisers for the BS program. He also recommended some classes they will start offering next semester that I might be interested in.

THEN, AND YES, THIS DESERVES ALL CAPS... THEN HE SAID THAT STARTING NEXT SEMESTER, THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE AN ALUMNI ASSOCIATION. HE WOULD LIKE ME TO BE ONE OF THE 12 KEY MEMBERS, THEN HE SAID HE WANTS ME TO LEAD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um, yeah, president of the Alumni Association! And he would like me to give lectures at the school about myself and my job, my accomplishments and my drive. AND THEN HE SAID HE REALLY WISHES THAT THE BUSINESS TECHNOLOGY HAD THE STUDENT SPEAKER (Valedictorian) THIS SEMESTER. he explained that every semester, the V comes from a different college at the University. BECAUSE IF THEY HAD THE STUDENT ROLE, HE WOULD LOVE IT TO BE ME!!!!!!!!
AND THEN HE SAID THAT HE HAS AN OFFER FOR ME. HE WANTED TO KNOW IF I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN NOT GRADUATING FROM CAPSTONE, BUT FROM HONORS CAPSTONE!. Um, btw, no one gets that. But fuck yeah, I sure did! So i have to talk to Professor D'Angelo to set up my requirements for it, and then I'm in like slim!!! So I"m going to work on that this week, as well as a few other things he asked of me (he wants me to draft his letter to my bosses, and he wants me to email him my opinions of the Capstone and the BT BS program)

Um, OMFG? much?

And now to celebrate, I'm going to take a nap.

Night.

P.S. Kim & Beth... will you come to my graduation next weekend? I'd love to have you there! Momma will be coming, maybe. It's at
First Baptist Church of Indian Rocks
12685 Ulmerton Rd.
Largo, FL 33774
and starts at 1. I have to be there @ noon for my HONORS cords, and parking is free. Please oh Please!!??!!?

My aim is to find all copies of pictures that include myself, my children, or my dad. I love this one site, www.ifoundyourcamera.blogspot.com, and could really use something like that, but none of my lost pics ever show up. Since dickhead let our storage go, all those years ago, I've been desperately trying to find any and all pictures that I've lost. I had so many of my kids as babies, and now have a small handful that I've been able to recover from old friends. I need to get my hands on more, but don't know how! I've searched all engines on my name and Fanchon's (as they are more unique), searched my maiden name... and haven't found anything.

Suggestions? I'm desperate!

So yeah, this is just a note to let everyone that happens by here know, I am friends only. No more snooping for YOU!
If you are interested in my crazy life (yeah right), you have to friend me, so I KNOW you're peeking in on me.

On July 31st 2006, we got our pet Niko. If you look at Aug 2nd, 2006, you can see that entry.
When we adopted him, he was 5 months old. I'm putting his birthday on Valentine's day.

As the months progressed, he grew and grew. I have a ton of great stories about him, but I think I'd like to show a picture board story of him, instead.
( More happy here... )

Today was daddy's funeral. I think he would have been pleased. He was dressed in a favorite Harley davidson shirt, surrounded not by flowers, but by his favorite bears and harley items.
The funeral itself was to have the viewing period from 10 to 11, and the service to follow.
we arrived at 9:30. Originally, Eric did not want to go, and was going to wait at BJ's house, but I was not comfortable with that. Last night, i decided he would go to the funeral home with us, and could sit in the outside waiting room. This way, he could come in, if he changed his mind. I'm glad we made this decision, as he did come in after only a minute.
Tim, the kids, momma, and I spent some quiet time in there. We gave momma her space, let her talk to daddy and what not. Finally, we went up when she was done.
Amy was the first of our friends to arrive, and most all of our family and friends were there soon after. Uncle Phil was unable to come, and Scott & Michell were not there. I was a bit surprised, but I know how hard Scott was taking it all, so we understood his absence.
I was so glad that Kim, Beth, Amy, and Sarah came. I didn't realize how much I wanted their presence there with us, but it was so comforting that they were there for us.
Enoree, from Hospice, preformed the service. She did a good job. She sang The Lord's Prayer, had some wonderful things to say on her own, read my "speech", as there was no way I could have done it without breaking down, and read some things from BJ.
My speech was:
Dad was truly the most amazing person. He was the perfect mix of ruggedness and strength, love and compassion, intelligence and creativity, and humor and wit. He was never afraid to ask for help when he needed it, and he rarely waited to be asked for assistance from others before delivering it. There was seldom a friend in need around him, if he had anything to do about it. He didn’t care if it was lending an ear or lending money, talking out a friend’s problem or sharing stories over a beer… dad knew how to make people forget about their troubles and make them smile.

Dad was the kind of person that people naturally gravitated to. His presence brightened any room and his laugh was infectious. He commanded an audience regardless of where he was and everyone that met him called him a friend. Everyone loved dad. Everyone from the grocer store clerks to the “acquaintance of a friend” that happened to meet him.

But more than being such a fantastic person, he was an amazing father. I never questioned or doubted his love and his devotion to me. He stood behind me and encouraged me on every endeavor I undertook, even if he didn’t agree with my decision; he fought for me and fought alongside of me without question. He counseled me when I was confused or upset, and he lifted my spirits no matter the situation. And he always showed me how proud of me he was. It didn’t matter if it was a school related situation or a personal one, he would tell me how proud he was, how good I’ve done, how smart I am. And my response was usually the same “I am my father’s daughter!”.

I have a million wonderful memories of him, from the time I was very young until the last time I spoke with him. I’ll always remember how in each and every conversation, daddy would make me laugh; even if it was from something as silly as one of his “Ski-isms”, or something funny he’d seen on TV. He know how to make me happy, to make everyone happy.

There was no one that could claim to be a better person than my dad. “To know me is to love me” he’d always say… and the point was not arguable. It was an widely-accepted truth.

And now, with him gone, the world will forever be a darker place.
I love you Daddy.

I guess in their talks about dad, BJ mentioned that when she and dad became an item, he had told her "You're great and all, but it's all about my daughter. If you can't love my daughter, I can't love you." It was always that way, love her, or i'm outta here. I loved that Enoree mentioned that.
At one point, she said that if anyone wanted to say a few words, please stand and do so. No one was able to, except my sweet little Eric. I can't recall his speech word for word, but it went something like
Grandpa was the greatest guy. He was kind, sweet, loving, and funny. Sure, sometimes he could get, you know, like everyone, mean... but it was only if there was a good reason for it. He was always so good to me, and I couldn't have asked for a better grandfather.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house, from what I could tell, after that.
Towards the end, Enoree sang wind beneath my wings. My god how I cried. He was my hero, he always was. He knew that, too. Dad and I always had such a great relationship. Sure, he's gotten irritated with me at times, and me at him. But for the most part, it was always the perfect father/daughter relationship. He was my hero, and I his Mini-Me. I am my father's daughter.

After the funeral, many of the visitors were going to meet at dad's house. Frances and Sunny and Mary brought all of the food for us. They needed to get into the house to lay it all out, since we were not leaving yet. Tim offered his key, and most all of them left. Shane & Beth, Sarah, Kim and Aurora stuck around. Finally, BJ was finished and we left.

As we headed that way, BJ received a call to say the key didn't work. When we got home, there were 20 or 30 people sitting in the front yard, chatting and what not. We let them all in, and just spent some time together.
The food brought was amazing! Lasagna, meatballs, ham & Cheese, rolls, deviled eggs, dump cake (fantastic), and I'm sure i'm missing some.
At one point, we all came in because Uncle Phil had a song that he wanted to dedicate to Dad, for dad. He had asked Jason to play it for us all. I really wish Uncle Phil could have been with us, but of course we completely understand!
The song...
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of
Good health and good time
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial
For what it's worth
It was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

Greenday- Good Riddance (Time of your life).

Goodbye daddy. I don't know what in the hell I'm going to do without you! You were always my rock, my friend, my teacher... my daddy.

Today is a very sad day, indeed.
I know I've made a few posts here of late, and because I'm too lazy to go back and read them (okay, I'm a liar, I don't want to), I'm going to just ramblingly write right now.
It's been the worst week of my life. Each day, I tried to retain my hope, and each day, I knew that BJ would be pulling the vent soon. I tried not to think about that... I tied to just keep my chin up and wish for the best. But it was never out of my head.
I tied for months to get dad to go to the doctors. each time he had a swelling, I'd try... each time I'd talk to him for any length of time, I'd try. all i heard is bj telling me that they didn't have insurance. the nurse telling me that they didn't have insurance, he'll be okay.
well she was wrong, wasn't she? very wrong... dead wrong.

Day 1: Hospital, EEG taken, whole body jerks, 5 doctors, Nurse Carla
Dad's tongue became swollen in the middle of the night. he waited until it was quite hard to breath, and then... THEN he woke her up and said they MIGHT have to go to the ER for it. not five minutes later, he was, for all intents and purposes, gone. in five minutes, his tongue was so swollen, he could not breath, and passed out. i wonder what must have gone through his mind then. when his breathing stopped, did he try to signal her? did he just pass out? Did he freak? Was he scared? I know he was scared.
and then he fell on his stomach in that small bathroom. she couldn't get him turned over so she tried to do compressions on his back. that doesn't work. you can do it on an infant, but a 294 pound man? no.
then she tried to put her fingers in his mouth but couldn't get an airway. so she left him to call 911 and get an artificial airway. it was smaller than she needed, but she had to try something.
she didn't try the epi pen i had just given them a few months ago.
the ambulance got there, and could not "secure" the airway tube, they could not intabate him. his tongue was just too big by then. how long did he go without air? how long did he have the knowledge that he couldn't breath?
so he went to the er. they did a trec about 20 minutes after he got there. what if they did an emergency trec on the ride over? what if they did the surgery as soon as he got there? what if...
Timmy took me to the ER, and he stayed for a bit. but his tummy was messing with him (IBS) and he spent a good portion of the time indisposed. i told him it was okay to go on home.

Tim, Momma, and I went in to see dad in the Er before the trec. There was a team of docs over him, and no one seemed to know what to do to fix him. I guess at that point, there was nothing that could fix him. I didn't know it, I wouldn't have believed it if they told me so... but that's just the way it is. Tim left for a restroom soon after. BJ and I sat with him, talking to the docs and praying so hard. after a few more minutes, he went to surgery. That was at 6:30 AM. BJ and I went into the surgical waiting room. We were told that he wouldn't be in there long, and then he would go to the SICU. we did not get in for almost 2 hours.
In the ICU, he had a great nurse, Carla W. She was good to us, talked to him, did her job perfectly, and took good care of us all. BJ and I sat there all day. she held one hand, i held the other. we talked to him, kissed him, told him to pull through. at that time, i knew almost nothing about the brain, about comas, about asphyxiation. within days, i knew so much. now, i know too much.
on that day, friday, i stayed until 7, when they told us we had to leave. from 4 am until 7 pm, 15 hours... kim had gone to the house and collected the kids for us, wait, was that friday? i'm sure it was... right? when bj and i went to his room, we met carla, and just sat with dad. he was breathing via the tube in his throat, his vitals were not horrible, though his pulse was elevated a bit, his blood pressure was high, and he developed a fever after a couple of hours. to bring his temp down, they put him on a cooling blanket to regulate his body temp. they wanted to keep him in a semi-hypothermic state, to prevent further damage to his organs. He ended up being on it the whole time. the only thing that was really crappy about it is where they kept the thermometer... eww. furthermore, they gave him medication for his BP, and in turn, his heart rate went down to a normal level. but he was "unresponsive". it turned out, he was not just out of it, he wasn't responding to stimuli, such as a poke in the eye, a pinch on the chest, or a stab in the big toe. he didn't move... and then he did and wouldn't stop. he would jerk, ever muscle in his body exerting at the same time, his eyes flying open, drool coming from his mouth (squeezed beside his massive tongue), and then he would relax, and then do it again. it was painful to watch. finally the neurologist ordered him on adavant to stop these movements. he said it wasn't a seizure, exactly, but the electrical currents in his brain misfiring. once he was on the adavant, it stopped. he was given 4 grams of the medication that day. towards the end of Friday, the neurologist ordered an EEG to check his brainwaves. we were told that the results should be in fairly early. turns out, that was wrong. i left when they told me i had to.


Day 2: Leg jerks, waiting for results, more of the same... what to do?
i returned the next day, by myself (Tim stayed with the kids) at 4:30. they weren't supposed to let me in, but they did. i was only able to sit with him until 6:40, then they said that they were changing shifts for the nurses, so i had to go until 8:30. I wasn't going home, and i didn't want to go to dad's house, so i slept in the car. i left the windows cracked, and the ants came in. they tore me up. i had my phone alarm set to get me up 10 minutes before i could go in, to give me time to go upstairs. when i did, i was able to stay until 7 again. i think i went downstairs to grab a bite to eat at some point, I'm not sure. i know i went out about every 1 1/2 hours for a smoke. i needed that, that break or whatever. when i came home, i told the kids the cotton candy version of the story. i never lied to them, but i never told them everything. we had seen 5 doctors, and heard that all of his organs were good, except for the neurologist. we didn't get a report from him. i told the kids that grandpa's tongue swelled up like they've seen, but worse. it made it hard for him to breath and he had to go to the hospital. I told them that 4 of his 5 doctors had good news to report, but that he had yet to wake up.
I did not tell them that the neurologist said that he was unresponsive. At first, i thought that meant he wouldn't wake up. I thought, Of course he isn't waking up, you have him on sedatives! but as it turned out, that wasn't why.
Momma and i started contacting people to let them know what had happened. I actually only contacted my friends and Scott and Michelle. I was all but hysterical when I called Scott. I thought I could calmly explain the situation, but i could barely get the first few words out.
Later on that day, Daddy's legs started shaking. just like the big jerks the day before, once they started, they wouldn't stop. 2 more grams of adavant, and it ended. His eyes were slit open, and he seemed to be looking forward. All day long, I held his hand and got right into his face. I told him i knew he could see me, that i loved him so much, and that i knew he would pull out of this and be okay. at that point, i still believed it. bj and i took turns talking to him, reading to him, and just chatting next to him. we had Carla again, thankfully. mid day, dad started doing something like a gag when Carla cleaned his trec out. Great, we thought, a response! later that day, bj called grandma. when she was talking, dad did the gasp thing again. like he was telling her he was still in there. but after a little while he did it again, and again, and again. and then the adavant because it turned out it was another neurological jerk.

Day 3: Carla again, arm shakes, EEG report, told the kids, Grandma/Lucky/Ricky/Tim.
This was supposed to be Carla's last day until Tuesday. She told us she may not be back with us on Wednesday... mobile assignments. Dad ended up only needing 2 grams of adavant again. this time, it was his left arm shaking at first. Start at the start, right? Tim and I got there around 4:30. they would not let us in at all, so we decided to sleep in the waiting room since grandma was coming up. i didn't want her going in until we talked to her, i didn't want her to just go in there without being properly prepared. at first, tim laid in the recliner (at my insistence) and I was going to sleep in the double chair. the double chair was so small that I couldn't even lay down with my legs bent over the side. tim then decided i needed the recliner more than he did, as I hadn't slept more than 4 hours in days. I had only had about 2 1/2 hours sleep on Thursday when I got the call. Then on friday night, i got about 3 1/2 hours... anyhow, not much sleep, as to be imagined.
so i got in the recliner, and he tried to get comfy in the double chair. I slept on my left side, so that my face was towards the door. that way, when grandma got there, if i was still asleep, she'd see me. my back was to timmy, and because he was unable to get comfy any other way, he just leaned forward and put his forehead on my butt, and slept about an hour that way. finally, it was time to go in. about 10 or so, grandma came with uncle lucky and uncle ricky. they'd gotten a bit lost, so we gave them verbal directions from their point, and i went down to the parking garage with tim. we smoked a cig or two while we waited for them.
as we walked to the elevators, grandma asked for the true update, not the sugar coated one. it was hard to deliver that to her... after all, grandpa had just passed away a few months ago.
grandma and the brothers talked to dad, told him to get up, he's missing the game, let's go grab a beer... Uncle lucky kept dangling his keys in dad's ear. while grandma was holding dad's hand, his left arm started to shake again. she put her hand on his shoulder and told him to relax, calm down, it's okay. after a few minutes of this, he stopped... NO ADAVAN!
This was the day that we got the results of the EEG back. The doctor explained to us that daddy had what was called burst waves. It would be flat for a second, and then 3 seconds of small bursts. these bursts were enough to keep his breathing going for now, and a few other things... but no thoughts, no awareness, no reparable hope. Because of this, tim and i knew we had to tell the kids what was going on when we got home. they were with Kim that day, she had a little cookout and pool party with them.
when we got home, after being booted out the door at 7 again, we had kim drop the kids off for us. she was such a great friend through all of this. keeping the kids twice, driving back and forth so we didn't have to, and talking to me as needed through the whole thing. anyways, when they got home, i sat them down in fanchon's room, and told them the whole thing, top to bottom. we all cried a little, i was pretty surprised they didn't cry more. they were both so close to him.
i told them that they could go to the hospital with me the following day, if they'd like. they both said they would. i had talked to Carla about it earlier, seeing as how the rules are 12 and above only, and eric is 10. she said just tell anyone that asks that the kids are both 12 or 12 and 13, and there'll be no problem. i instructed the kids on this, and quizzed them to make sure there'd be no problems.

The next few days were a blur. the kids went with me on monday. they talked to grandpa, fanchon just a little, eric quite a bit. at one point, eric said to me "mommy, i have to go poo". i said okay, lets go. he said "Wait a minute!" and ran to grandpa's side. "Grandpa, I have to go potty, i'll be back in a minute. I love you!" it was so cute. around 1 or so, some male nurse that i had never seen before came in to the room and asked how old the kids were. i told him 12 and 13. he said they couldn't come in unless they were 16. i told him the sign in the waiting room and the paper they gave us on day 1 said 12. he went into this bit about how their immune systems were not developed enough to handle the germs that are found in the ICU. we went back and forth until finally we left.
Wednesday, grandma came back. this time, she was with uncle lucky, cari jo, christina, and charlie. i was really glad to have charlie and christina there. they have a son that had such problems at birth. he was in the ronald mcdonald house. i don't know a ton of what happened, but i know he had to have surgery right after birth, and that the doctors didn't think he was going to make it. they went through many of the same things with Cameron at birth as we were dealing with now with daddy. they spent a few hours with us, with dad.
On thursday, we had the results of the cat scan back. basically, it said that there was extensive swelling all over the brain, and a hernia in the lower portion which pushed part of his brain into his spinal area. the results were actually delivered at momma's after diner return on wednesday (she'd go back from 8:30 to 10). the bitch main doctor that was dad's team leader gave momma a printout of the results, of which i'm quite glad. it gave me the chance to bring my laptop and do some research when i got there on thursday. this was the only day i didn't hold his hand the whole day. i explained to him i needed to do some research and figure out how to best help him. that's when i found a few things out about the ambian. i had read some on it before (ambian bringing coma patients out for 4 hours at a time).
bj had said that we were going to take dad off of his vent on friday. Monday through thursday, he was on weaning from the vent where he'd be on it for a little while, take an albuteral treatment, and then off of the vent for 2 hours. on thrusday, he was off for 5.5 hours at one point, and was supposed to be off again for another 4 that evening. however, he wasn't able to as his stats weren't strong enough. come friday, we decided to give him one more day of the vent, since things weren't going as good as we wanted. we had already sat down with Hospice, wednesday, i think, and had the whole plan for daddy to come home. on friday, Enoree came back up (our contact with hospice) to say she wouldn't be there on saturday, but someone would come to set it all up. as soon as he was off the respirator, he could be moved. the plan was to try on saturday... and pray our little hearts out.
scott and michelle were going to keep the kids for us on saturday, i really wanted tim with me. however, because it was becoming more of a hassle that a blessing to have them go, i decided to forego it. i still wanted him to come with, but i told him to stay here.
saturday was rough. i was petrified to go up there. i knew bj wouldn't do it if i wasn't there yet. but i had to go.
we waited until almost 1. the process started about 11 or 12, but because of waiting for everyone and getting the papers in order, we didn't actually do it until 11:50 ish. i held his left hand, momma his right. just before, she went to the restroom. i stood up, and spoke in his ear. "I don't want you to go daddy, but i understand if you have to. i love you, and i'm so sorry this happened to you. i'm going to be lost without you if you go. i hope that you can hold on and let us get you home. i love you"
The doctors switched his ventilator to just a oxygen supply tube. we held his hands, kissed his hands, prayed over him. he didn't even get one breath in. we watched as his heartrate went down, bit by bit... 79, 78, 77, 76... so on until it was in the 30s. then it raced up to over 100. i thought "GOOD! You're going to do it!", but he did not, in a second more, it was in the 20s, and then... then my daddy was gone forever. he left us at 12:58 PM.
I sat in there with him, holding his hand for over half an hour. at one point, 15 minutes in, i texted tim and told him i needed him NOW.

after that half hour that i sat there, crying over my lost daddy. i had to leave. he had began loosing his color, turning a yellowish shade. i couldn't look anymore. i went into the parking garage in my car and texted a few people. i told them no calls, as i couldn't speak to anyone. bj called grandma while we were still in there. she asked if i was there, and when bj said yes, grandma asked to speak to me. we talked for a few, and then she let me go.
it took tim over an hour and a half to get to me, because there were 2 big events in downtown tampa on his way here. when he got there, we hugged, and went back up. i called bj from the icu waiting room and told her we were back up there. tim wanted to go in and say goodbye, so we went back in. daddy was still warm, i think because of the warming/cooling blanket.
tim drove us back home, there was no way i could.
and that was that. i told the kids, i cried a lot, he was gone.

sunday, we went to bjs. i wanted to go to the funeral home with her, she asked me if i would go, but i'm glad... i didn't have to feel like i was imposing. it went by quickly, and she let me pick the urn, and purchased a keepsake urn for me that matches hers. tim is going to build a shelf for daddy to sit on above the TV.

and in 12 hours, we will attend his funeral.

We've gotten the results of the CAT Scan back. I've had a hard time understanding them, and the doctor doesn't really tell you in as good detail as they should. So today I was a busy girl and decided I was going to learn all of the terms and what they all meant.



Anyways, from the report, I can tell you that there is some brain edema, effacement of the sulci and gyri, a central hernia but with NO hemorrhaging! There is also effacing of the basilar cisterns consistent with downward transtentorial herniation bilaterally. He has no mid-line shift (woo hoo!) but does have a complete loss of the normally expected gray-white interface as to be expected with diffuse brain edema.



Also, the report stated that there was motion artifact on the examination. His ventricles are patent although somewhat narrowed.


What this means is that there is swelling in the brain, effacement is either similar to thinning or stretching, and that is on the sulci and gyri (the bumps and valleys of the surface, you could say), the central hernia is the same thing as a transtentorial herniation with bilaterally meaning equal on both sides. that's not good, but if he had the hernia with hemorrhaging, that would be REALLY bad. without the bleeding, i have hope that it can be at least mostly recoverable. the effacing of the basilar cisterns is because they are being pulled downwards due to the hernia. A mid-line shift is when the brain goes crooked, to put it absolutely simplest. the loss of gray-white interface is bad... BUT the brain can re-route the information that is usually passed from white matter to gray. the white matter passes information between areas of the brain. to say that it can be re-routed is to say that the brain makes new pathways to pass the information. it will not pass as swiftly, but it still goes.



What is really going to matter here is how the brain settles once the swelling goes down. I have faced what could be the reality of the situation, but I will not give up hope. I have been upfront and honest with the kids, but they understand that there IS hope. If you want something really amazing to read about it, go to a search engine and look up ambian and coma. Yes, Ambian like the sleeping aid medication.



Other information that gives me hope is such as one case where this 19 year old guy went into a coma for 20 years. he was diagnosed as PVS (Persistent vegetative state) and kept alive by feeding tubes and the like. after 20 years, he awoke, with the ability to talk and recall what happened. he was shocked to learn he had a daughter that was 19, because he thought he still was the same age... but he got over that. At any rate, what had happened is that his brain reworked many of it's pathways, actually creating some on the back of his brain. The doctors that checked him after he awoke said that if they had done another CT scan, or PET scan 6 months into the coma, they would have seen the starts of these reworkings happening. however, after the initial diagnosis of PVS, there are no reasons to do further scans. I'm going to hold the faith that dad will be one of these stories.



there are hundreds of other coma patients that I've read about that give me more and more hope.



Please, feel free to call me and talk about it, it helps me a lot... text me all you want, leave me messages here or email me. sometimes, i need to talk stuff out and even to cry sometimes. keep the faith with me my friends, we WILL get through this.

On Friday morning, about 2:30, my dad woke my step-mom up. his tongue was swollen (as it gets sometimes, but worse). He woke her up and handed her a note that said 'My tongue is swollen, it's hard to breath. i may need to go to the hospital". She got up right away. He went into the bathroom before they left, and then he lost consciousness. She was just outside of the bathroom, and heard him. she rushed in, and he was not breathing. She placed two of her fingers in his mouth to open an airway, but his tongue was so swollen, she didn't get much. She left him for a second to call 911 and get a breathing apparatus that she had in the office. She rushed back to his side, and inserted said apparatus to assist with an airway. the paramedics arrived within 2 minutes as they are just around the corner. they were able to get a tube into his throat, and found that his heart had stopped. they got it started again right away and took him to the ER.


At the ER, the nurse said in her 9 years, she'd never seen a person's tongue so swollen. they worked on him swiftly. they found that the tube inserted by the medics was not stable, as they had a hard time getting it in. Furthermore, they could not get it back out due to the excessive swelling. he was sent to emergency surgery within 20 minutes, and had a trec put in. throughout this whole time, he was unresponsive, not regaining consciousness. after surgery, he went into the ICU, and momma and I went up there around 8:30.


To make a really long and painful story short, dad is still there. a team of doctors has been around him day and night, as has momma and myself. we know that his heart, lungs, kidneys, and what not are all good... of the 5 doctors we've seen everyone had good news, but the neurologist.


Dad's brainwaves are not good. They are not totally flat, thank god, but they are flat for 1 to 2 seconds, and then there are some "bursts" of activity... not big bursts, but some. the neurologist told us "It's very bad, not just BAD, its VERY BAD". There is a very big chance that he will never regain consciousness. He is not in a coma per say... he has no responses to stimuli at all. from the neurologist's standpoint, this is how he will be from now on.



However, it is a neurologist's place to not sugar coat the situation. They let you know what they think, and if there is some hope, they let you deal with that on your own... they can not give hope if the diagnosis is this bad. Things can improve.



momma and i sit with him all day, for as long as they'll let us. we hold his hand and talk to him, kiss his cheek, his hands, his arms. we read to him, make jokes to him, and ask him to finish our sentences or correct our stories.



he is breathing on his own today, but that's it. he does not blink, squeeze hands, or really move on his own accord. He did move a foot yesterday by himself, but that was an isolated even that has not been repeated.



they do not know what caused the swelling. we know it is either an allergy that we can't figure out yet, or angeoadema (sorry if that's misspelled). his tongue has gone down a bit, but is still quite swollen. My take on it is that the poor EEG readings could have something to do with the swelling (i read up on it online and on webmd). if his brain is swollen, the readings will be much poorer. if his tongue is still swollen, there is no reason why his brain can't be, too. he did go without air for an unknown amount of time, and he did hit his head when he fell (not too hard, but still...), and he has had a ton of medications pumped into him over the last 3 days.



i told him that i am always watching when i am there. if he can bat an eye at me, squeeze my hand, move a toe... i'll see it. i told him i'd see it and i will let him know that i did. when he moved his eye lid on saturday, just after my telling him this, i said "Great daddy! I saw you!!!" I encourage him the best i can.



today, the kids came to spend a few hours with him. they both said hi and chatted for a second, eric talked to him quite a bit. it was wonderful, at one point, eric said he had to go to the bathroom. i said "Ok, let's go" he said it would be a second, as he ran over to grandpa's side and said "Grandpa, I've got to go to the bathroom, but I'll be back in a few minutes! I love you!". i know that does a world of good for daddy.



so pray for me, my wonderful friends. pray to whatever gods you pray to, that my daddy makes some recovery. he won't ever be that wonderful, funny, loving, sweet, fantastic person that he once was, but we can still have a part of him back with us.